fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
