you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
