I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
