you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I checked into jail on foursquare
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
