"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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