and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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