they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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