The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
