i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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