I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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