I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
