is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
