the condom got lost in my hair
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
