captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
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