I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
