just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
