I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
