I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my sisters under your porch take her home
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
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