I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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