The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
