My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
