youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm getting married
To pizza
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
