Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
