"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
