i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
