and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
