We're like a lot better than the average bears
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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