i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
