last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
