My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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