I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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