why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
