If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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