Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
