Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
