Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
