when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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