Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
