i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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