My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
