I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
