So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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