Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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