The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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