So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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