Soap is not a condiment
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
