I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize