You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
