i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
