I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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