I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
