my mouth tastes like poor choices
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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