Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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