I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
