physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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