i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
