I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
