Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize