Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
