What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
