I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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