and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
