There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I'm too high and old for this...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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