Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
