i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
