He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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