So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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