I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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