i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
