:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
