apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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