Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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