i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
