That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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