I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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