hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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