My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
